Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
