My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
