I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have fence marks all over my body
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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