just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
