I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
