I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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