if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
