Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
