I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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