I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
