Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
