You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
