I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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