i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
