so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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