Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
