you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
