Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
