Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
