It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
