i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
