toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
