I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
