i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
