I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
