just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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