MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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