this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
