Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
