A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
