Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
