k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
