Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
