I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
