last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
