Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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