I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
