I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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