maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
