He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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