He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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