he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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