I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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