You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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