Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Randomize
