This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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