How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
