last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
