She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
