so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
