I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
