Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
