Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
