Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
