I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
